Question:
I was in a relationship for over a year when my boyfriend ended it because he was tired of all the fighting. We would fight because I wanted a more serious relationship that was going to lead to marriage and kids, and he didn't want to get married any time soon. After we split up, we were friends, hung out and things were fine. Recently, he ignores my text messages, if he does answer me, he is very short with me, and he acts as if he is so busy he doesn't have time for me or a friendship with me. I don't understand why the sudden change. He is acting as if I am the one that ended the relationship with him. I care about him and told him I still loved him and asked him if he felt the same, and he wouldn't say anything to me. Please help me. I am very confused?

Lilwings03 says:

As a Therapist I often receive many calls with problems such as you mentioned here. In most cases, it's a woman wanting marriage and children and the man not wanting the same thing, ever or at least with this person. This is NOT a case of the commitment phobic male, however it seems more like a case of denial. Your Denial! Believing he will change his mind will only lead to more heartache and suffering for you.

However, it seems like there's more at play here. One issue is he not wanting the same things you do, marriage and a family, now and most likely in the future. The second being he still wants to keep you around, as a "friend", while we gets to decide what the "break-up rules" are.

Now don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that people need to become enemies following a broken relationship. But when a partner (male or female) says "I just want to be friends" what they are often saying is, meet my needs but don't ask me to be responsible for any relationship.

As long as he can keep you close as friends, he can go about his life doing what ever he pleases. This often includes dating other people, while keeping you on a shelf, just in case it does not work out for him. When he finds another woman who catches his interest, he will then back off just like you stated here in your question. His behavior is common for a person who wanted to end the relationship but is also looking out for his own interest.

This was not a "sudden change" it was coming to this for some time now. He is only letting you in on "part" of his life now, so it seems sudden to you because you do not know the back story and involved in other aspects of this life.

If you have any chance of winning him back and moving forward, you will need to let go first. No friendship, no calling him. This will create a void in his life, if he cares for you he will start to miss you. This is when he will think about what he has lost and want to return to you. If the feelings are mutual and you pull away, he will be back. If not, then, then you have the clarity you've been seeking. Let him go and move on.