The use of "I" messages do two things to empower us. They help us to communicate with others and they keep us from feeling like a victim. For those unfamiliar with this communication technique, an "I" message goes like this:

• "I" messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other.
• "You" messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack.

Examples

"You" Message: "Why didn't you call? You make me so mad when you don't call. You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn't know."

"I" Message: "I feel worried when you don't tell me where you are and when you are coming home because I am afraid of what might happen."

Both messages are saying essentially the same thing, but the second message is easier to listen to.

"I" messages transform communication into empowerment.

You take ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for your feelings and thoughts when you use "I" messages. No one makes you feel the way you do and no one makes you think the way you do. You choose how you feel based on what you think about a situation.

• A husband gives flowers to his wife. She may think, "Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers," feels happy and thanks him.
• Or she may think, "What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen," feels angry and tells him not to do it again.

The example shows how we can interpret the same situation as positive or negative by the thoughts and feelings we choose to have. Once you decide what you think and how you feel, you are in control of your thoughts and feelings and are no longer a victim.

The following scenario shows how you can turn a feeling of victimization into a feeling of empowerment by paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and choosing how to respond to them with "You" messages or "I" messages.

Scenario: Your kids repeatedly leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.

"You" Message – "You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?"

Thought: They are so thoughtless; I'm tired of yelling; nobody listens to me.

Feeling: I am feeling mad because of what I'm thinking.

Empowering Thought: I will teach my children how to pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and/or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it will be easier for them to keep the towels picked up.

You might still feel mad but you would also feel empowered and purposeful by doing something about the situation.

"I" Message - "I am afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they are left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on their special hooks."

You are now feeling in control of what happens rather than allowing your children to be in control.

Tips for using "I" messages:

• What am I feeling?
• When am I feeling it?
• Why am I feeling it?

2. Use feeling words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.

3. Use the word "like" if appropriate.

Example:

"I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted."

4. Be specific in describing when you feel the way you do.

Rather than saying, " when the bathroom is a mess", use "when there are towels left on the floor."

5. Be specific in describing why.

Rather than saying, "I hate picking up after you", say, "I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt".

Being specific helps the listener to understand exactly when and why you have certain feelings. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that something happened or to question what you are talking about.

6. Avoid "You" messages such as, "You always..." or "You make me feel..."

7. Practice making "I" messages.

Men may have an easier time saying why they feel the way they do and may need more practice to identify and form messages about what they are feeling. Women may be able to easily identify what they are feeling but have more trouble conveying why they feel the way they do.

Learning to use "I" messages can be like learning a foreign language. As a result, you are going to stumble over the words for a while. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language.

In order to break old patterns, it takes a lot of insight and practice. If the patterns in your life are especially resistant to change, consulting a professional may be helpful.