Have you ever noticed that when your partner is having a bad day, or dealing with some internal conflict, that you seem to be the target of undeserved harshness? How you handle this can either lead to greater understanding, or it can absolutely make the situation worse for both of you.

Of course, when you feel that another person is attacking you, it's natural to become defensive. You are human, and harsh words can make you feel like you are being treated like the enemy! And what do enemies do? They fight with one another. When you feel that your friend or partner is treating you this way, you are subject to also feeling unloved. To protect yourself from feeling hurt you might strike back or even recoil in a self-protective stance.

Rather than jumping into the fray or retreating, it might be better if you don't react at all for a few minutes. Stop and listen to what the other person is saying. In most circumstances, if the person sounds very angry and charged with emotion, it may not be about you at all. Even though it's hard to do, you might begin to notice that your friend or partner is hurting. Someone you love is in emotional pain. Instead of getting defensive, you might lay down the gloves and ease the situation by listening and by asking more questions for clarification. Then you can find ways to help.

You don't have to be a wimp or a saint to do this; you just need to believe that the harsh words are not about you and are about the person speaking them. Our accusations about other people often tend to be about unacknowledged parts of ourselves.

If someone is calling you "controlling," they themselves may have an issue with control.

If they are calling you "stupid" then most likely, they have insecurities about their own intelligence.

The above revelation might ultimately lead to the disclosure that your loved one was called stupid by a critical parent during childhood. Understanding this clearly, can help you stay calm in the wake of the angry outburst.

Recognizing that your partner or friend has "issues", as we all do, can help you to learn more about that person and what he or she needs. Even though this is sometimes akin to trying to hug a porcupine, it helps to praise people in the exact area where they seem to have issues. They are giving you a window into what they need most.

For example, those who tend to call others "stupid" need praise when they have figured out and successfully solved a problem.

A carefully placed, "Wow, that was great! How did you do that? You are really smart!!" can help someone stop calling you and others, "stupid."

Try using this "understanding" approach when someone calls you lazy, uninterested, selfish, etc. You can actually help other people become more confident. In turn, they can become better people and better friends and partners for you. The next time it happens, take your time and think about what is really going on. It will help you to not take messages from others so personally, and it will help with your own emotional development.